why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
