I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
