Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize