Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
