I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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