I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
sarcasm needs its own font
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
