I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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