Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
