i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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