Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
