you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
