I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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