I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
