You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize