she was so not down for the gang bang
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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