her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
