i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
