My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
