i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize