Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
