Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I look better un-naked...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
