I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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