At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
