I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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