I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
