I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
