I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
