I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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