Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
