He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
