I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
