he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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