in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize