I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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