Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
