Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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