Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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