your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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