Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
