I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
