The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
