She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
