Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize