Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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