I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
