just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
