I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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