Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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