this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
