Did I show you my penis last night?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
