Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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