After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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