I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Enjoy the penises
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
