So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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