probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
