Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
