WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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