Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
