I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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